I've got to see you again
by Staz
Summary: Post Paraguay. Another shot at fixing the HM relationship of season 9.


Disclaimer: Anything JAG is not mine.

A/N: Unchecked, unbeta-ed, full of my mistakes. Should still be readable, though.

Title is a Norah Jones song (also not mine), which makes me feel the way Mac feels in the beginning of this story just by the ambience of its sound (and of course, the repeating two lines).

**I've got to see you again**

Anticipation. It fills you.

You can't be sure if it's a good feeling or a bad one; a promise of dazzling things to come or a dark and foreboding premonition.

Breathing becomes a chore, since your lungs are restricted; pushed upwards by your stomach, which has become filled. Either a flock of butterflies or a hive of bees take flight right there inside a vital organ, making a mess of things and preventing consumption of food beyond the very minimum.

A restless jolt of energy fills your muscles and you find flimsy excuses to keep moving – just keep moving. Keep busy.

Thoughts whirl about your mind, wiggling to and fro, never staying still, alternating between pink and sparkling to grey and dull, wrecking in their whirling any other stray innocent thoughts.

Mac hadn't felt quite like this way in a while and she wasn't sure if she missed it or not. She was going to see him today. She felt it in her bones.

After long months of all the reciprocation of a brick wall, Mac was done pushing. 17 phone calls were about 15 too many when they went systematically unanswered. She missed Harm but she was about willing to start dealing with the idea that their paths wouldn't cross again in the near future.

And then this feeling came. She had woken up to it and had been lost in it ever since.

She definitely missed the good kind of expectancy that was a regular part of her morning routine back when things between Harm and her were good and flowing. This thought that filled her with a warm sense of comfort, knowing that he would be a part of her day.

She wondered when she would see him. Half the day had flown by her already, without a sign of the tall, gorgeous, ex-fighter-pilot-turned-JAG that was now a spook. Needless to say she'd gotten nothing done in the hours that had passed. She'd managed to pull herself together long enough for her appearance in court, but had unraveled as soon as her office door closed behind her.

A large pile of files beckoned to her from the far left corner of her desk, promising hours of monotonous paperwork to pass the remainder of her day at the office. She pleaded for 10 more minutes of scattered contemplation. Her request was granted.

She hated that darkness loomed over her thoughts and yearning for him. The fear of seeing the hate, or worse, the indifference in his storm-tossed eyes, was pricking her skin from the inside. It was a little like planning the perfect picnic while knowing the weather forecast predicted a 50% chance for a downpour. She hoped with every molecule that was hers that it wouldn't rain.

With that thought in mind she answered the call of the files.

-----

Apparently mindless paperwork was just the ticket to get her through the day.

The waves of perception had subsided some but were still there. With the work day over and not even a mention of anything Harm, anxiety began to gnaw. Maybe it was a false alarm? No. she killed the thought as soon as it materialized. If she couldn't trust her feelings what could she trust? It was true; they would meet.

It was another question entirely if maybe she was meant to initiate said encounter. Could it be the self-fulfilling sort of premonition? A feeling that would propel her to seek him out? Could she find the strength, the foolishness, to go knocking on his door?

Most probably not.

Would he come knocking on her door? The startling thought almost caused her to drive into the opposite lane on her way home.

After a few calming deep breaths she refocused. Whatever circumstances would bring them face to face that day, she would deal with it head on. She would look him in the eye and maybe even ask him why he wasn't returning her calls. Or not. But she would look him in the eyes... if only to drown in them once again, as she'd enjoyed doing whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Startled from her dreamy thoughts by the shrill sound of her cell-phone ringing, Mac almost swerved again, but composed herself quickly in time to answer before the caller gave up. Though, upon seeing the caller-ID, this one wasn't the giving up type...

"Harriet!"

"Good evening, Ma'am! Am I disturbing you?"

"No, Harriet, I'm just on my way home."

"Oh, great! Listen, ma'am, I was wondering if you'd like to come for dinner tonight. Little AJ's been asking about you for a while, he misses you, and Bud and I would love some adult company, and I'm making this wonderful-"

"Harriet!" Mac's smile was already emerging as she stopped Harriet's torrent. "You had me at 'little AJ'..."

Both women chuckled, and Harriet ended to conversation after telling Mac when she would be expected and refusing all and any help.

Mac was still smiling at thoughts of her godson when she parked her car, locked it and entered her building. Halfway up the stairs the thought hit her.

She would see Harm there.

Placing a palm against the wall of the staircase to steady herself physically as well as mentally she tried to breathe. Of course! It made sense! Harriet was trying to patch things up between them, using the one thing they would always have in common – a shared responsibility for the Roberts' children. She couldn't decide whether she loved Harriet or resented her for this. She decided not to decide and pushed herself up the stairs and into her apartment.

A long hot shower left her much more composed. She could do this. Meeting at the Roberts' would be much better than the office – there would be no hiding behind protocol and uniforms. Well.. uniform. Singular. She could do this. She could so do this.

Giving herself a mental pep-talk all the while, she dressed and got ready and finally got in the car.

-----

"Ma'am! It's so good to see you!"

Harriet enveloped Mac in a hug before she could even say hello, pulling her inside and into the warmth and the light. Delicious scents of home-made food assaulted her nostrils as the sound of laughter caught her ears.

Within seconds a considerable weight bounded into her right leg, all blond hair and bouncing smiles "Aunt Mac! Aunt Mac!"

It was like coming back to the home of her dreams; coming back to family. God, she'd missed this.

As she squatted down to find and kiss the face of her beloved godson, she kept searching for another beloved out of the corner of her eye. She saw Harriet and Bud fussing about, but no Harm. Figures he'd be late. Same old Harm.

Upon getting a firm refusal from Harriet on helping with dinner once again, Mac busied herself with playing with the boy that was growing up way too fast for her. She kept expecting Harm to just show up, but when Harriet called them to eat and there wasn't an extra plate at the table; the doubts returned.

So Harriet wasn't setting them up? But then... it was all she could do to hold back the tears of disappointment. Maybe she really would not see him today. It surprised her that it hurt so much, considering the amount of stress the mere thought of the encounter caused her that day. Thankfully, the entire Roberts family seeming to ooze sunshine and smiles and she was caught up in it and embraced it firmly. Pushing any other thoughts away she reveled in the simplicity of a nice family dinner.

-----

Helping Harriet with AJ's bedtime routine was great comfort for Mac. From bath to bedtime story to goodnight kiss it was everything that made her heart fill and ease. It was exactly what she needed.

Closing the door to the sleepy boy's room, the feeling hit her full force. He was there.

Standing with one hand on the doorknob and the other on her heart, Mac focused on breathing. She could hear muffled male voices from downstairs and the recognizable tint of his voice made her heart squeeze a bit too tight in its attempts to pump blood to her brain, lungs and other vital systems.

She edges to the staircase, trying to catch words.

"I'm sorry about coming at such a late hour, Bud. I just got back and I thought maybe I'd manage to catch you guys still up.." Harm was saying.

"It's no problem sir, I'm glad you stopped by! Little AJ will be so sorry he missed you." Bud's smiling voice replies.

"I miss that little guy too. Here, can you tell him this is from me?" Harm handed Bud a wrapped parcel with an apologetic smile. Mac suddenly found herself at the bottom of the stairs, with first row seats to the conversation between Harm and Bud. She was a few feet away, rooted to the spot, staring at the man that had been wandering through her thoughts on a constant basis since the day they met.

Bud was saying something, probably along the lines of a thank you, but she couldn't hear him. Harm's head was turning towards her, as if in slow motion, and then his eyes caught hers and it was like a being hit by lightning.

Jump-started into breathing and thinking, Mac was still at a loss, just staring at him.

"Mac."

"Harm."

In a dark place at the far end of her mind, someone noted Bud fading into the background. Harriet was nowhere to be seen either. Let it be noted for protocol that this might have indeed been a set-up.

Unknown forces once again made her close the distance to him. Maybe they were magnetic, maybe gravity, physics was more his turf.

"How've you been?" Harm broke the spell and at the mundane, acquaintance-type question, something in Mac snapped and focused. She couldn't do it.

"If you really wanted to know, you would have answered my phone calls." She practically spat in his face, then turned away. Her coat was hung by the door and she was already on her first step in its direction when she realized she couldn't possibly leave without thanking Bud and Harriet. Who were probably in the kitchen. Behind Harm. Damn him.

She turned around decisively, looking anywhere but at him, fully intending to side-step him, say her goodbyes and leave in under a minute.

He blocked her path.

She fixed him with a glare that would make most people flinch. It didn't work; he glared right back. Something in his eyes was different. Now that she really looked, with a less-muddled brain, she saw it. He wasn't looking at her with hatred, and thank god, it wasn't indifference, it was acceptance. Acceptance of what, though?

In a corner of one eye she spots a definite glint before he opens his mouth. "Can we call a truce?"

"Truce?"

"Yes, truce." He took a deep breath. "Mac, a lot has happened in the past months. To both of us. If there's one thing I realized in that time it's that I still don't want to lose you. So, can we start over?"

"Start over?" She was too confused to do anything but repeat his words.

A small chuckle escaped his lips and he ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Ok, I guess I went to the end of the conversation there... it's just... I've been thinking so much about what I would say to you when we finally spoke that I may have gotten confused about the order of things."

His lopsided grin finally cleared away some of the fog and a small smile appeared on her lips. "Okay.. start over, then. This time from the beginning please." Mac was still a bit confused but she was remembering how much she missed this man; unanswered phone calls or not.

Guiding her over to the couch, Harm took her hand in his and once again held her gaze.

"Mac, I'm sorry." She stayed silent. "It was hell down there, and there was hell before it and I handled it badly and I regret that."

In his own cryptic way, he managed to sum up a years worth of ups, downs, and general mayhem that could only be Murphy's Law at its truest form, in one short, slightly convoluted sentence. And he apologized. Mac was at a loss for words. She focused on the feeling of her hand in his for a while.

"I'm sorry too." Harm looked at her questioningly. "I didn't handle things that well myself..."

He smiles brilliantly and she can't help but smile back. "Apology accepted." He said grandly, making her laugh. "So... truce?" The hopeful look on his face and his extended hand only made her smile brighten.

She grabbed his hand and shook it once. "Truce."

Looking down, she found both of her hands entrenched in his and realized she didn't really want to take them back. Looking back up, sincerity wells in her eyes. "I've missed you, Harm."

He nods in agreement. "Same here." Silence settles in between them for a moment, this time cozy and not stuffy. "I hope we can still be friends... even though Webb probably takes up most of your spare time these days."

The edge to his voice stabbed her through the warmth. "Webb?" She blurted before she could stop herself. The confusion battling with the rising optimism on his face made the next words die on her lips. He was trying to formulate a question.

"No Webb?"

She could answer in so many ways. Could draw it out, make him feel bad for judging her falsely as he did. She lacked the energy. She simply shook her head and waited for the scene to play out. She could see from the expression on his face that his mind was working at top speed through the information he'd had and the one he'd just received.

She never expected him to drag her to him and hug her fiercely. She held on to him and hugged him back just as tightly. She wasn't going to put up a fight this time. The world tilted sideways. It was more than she hoped for to get a truce from him and a chance to start over, now this? It was all happening so fast. A few minutes setting out to correct an entire year.

Long minutes later, Harm pulled back slightly, only to cup her face in his hands. "What can I do to keep you?"

Mac was in shock. Never in her wildest dreams... he must've done some serious soul-searching in the past few months because she barely recognized this man she once called her best friend. He was all grown up.

"Stop pushing me away." She whispered.

A hint of the familiar grin tugged at his lips. He traced the line of her cheek with a tender finger and leaned in for a short, warm and gentle touch of his lips against hers. "Who's pushing?"

Her eyes widened as she tried to fully comprehend the interaction she was seemingly a part of. Giving up, she simply went with her instincts. She pulled him to her by the lapels of his jacket and proceeded to find out exactly what he tasted like in a long, hot and passionate kiss that was asking and answering, taking and giving, but above all loving.

When she backed away he chased her lips for another kiss, holding her close to him.

Finally starting to get her bearings back, Mac smiled fully as she smoothed her hands down his chest. "Never in my wildest dreams..." She articulated the repeating thought.

A raised brow was his first response. "I'd love to hear about those..." They suddenly both realized where they were. "But maybe later..."

Bashfully getting up, like teenagers caught out by the parents, they found Harriet and Bud quietly conversing in the kitchen. With many smiles and not a single word about what had transpired in the family room, the two couples said their goodbyes.

Outside the front door, the new couple embraced. This night was over, but there would be another one, and hopefully many more to come. A familiar feeling filled Mac as she stood there with her arms around his waist, in a lengthy goodbye.

It was carried on butterfly wings; a promise of dazzling things to come.

-----

The End.


End file.
